Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Mourning

 I shouldn't write this post.

I shouldn't hit save and then publish.

I shouldn't.

I'm heartbroken at the moment.  Truly heartbroken.  Lubricated a little with some Irish Cream and some dark rum.  So much crying and sobbing tonight.

Hoping truly that this blog has been forgotten  Yet needing.  Needing so much release. I hope these words aren't read, yet need so much to connect to someone who may understand ...but I feel certain there can be no connection..No understanding....

So lonely.  So lonely.  Truly these feelings must be attributed just to me.  

I feel.   Misery loves company...but nobody can feel this...really.   Oh dear lord my heart hurts so.....

My daughter, part of me is so hardened.  I hate her.  Those are the words.  The real words.  I hate her.  I hate her.

Shocking.  A mother. Yes.  A mother.

She truly has done he things to earn that hate...but then in my mind I see the 3 year old little girl..My knees buckle.  I love her so...I love her so..I hate her so..Dear lord...I cry...Help me.

I love this soul that came from my being.  I love her so much. I wanted the world for her..I wanted \everything  for her......  THe whole world..She is so  precious  I don't know ..I just dont know how she got to be the present day....How...I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to her....I'm sorry to the world, I'm sorry to her daughter who of all....deserves a better mother.  I'm so sorry.  I cry, I sob.  It's not enough.  I'm so sorry. I just don't know...




Sunday, February 1, 2015

Dumping the Fat Clothes...

well, that and some of those 80's and 90's clothes I've never been able to separate from.  Like that wonderful red blazer with black lapel and shoulder pads and rolled up sleeves.  I really thought that one would come back.  It looked great on me.   Yes,  I finally gave it up.

But in all seriousness, I know I'm not supposed to call them fat clothes.  But they are the clothes I wore at my upper most spectrum of weight (politically correct enough?)  I hope I'll have to do 1-2 more dumps from my closet along the way.

My real epiphany during this purge is "Why did I have all these?"  Last time I lost a large amount of weight I didn't purge anything.  All my pants were just put away.  So when the weight came back on it never hindered me.  I never really had to stop and evaluate where I was.  I was never at the store saying "Oh my gosh another size higher AGAIN?"  I kept all the smaller clothes and just pushed them further back in the closet with the hopes that I would see them again.

My closet looks great now.  I still have a ton of stuff in there all the way to 2 sizes smaller from what I am now so definitely hope to do another dump run.  When I'm done and at my final size I will likely keep some clothes one size up, because I don't think it's reasonable to mentally punish myself for some minor weight fluctuation.  But I do want to make it difficult to gain a large amount of weight again without at least some accountability. 




Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Now for a message from our sponsors....

Not exactly a sponsor (I wish).  Possibly this could be noted as a product review. 

So, here is the important thing, I got a Christmas present that I really, really like.  It's the Fitbit.   Good timing since I'm trying to gear up my walking again and I keep buying pedometers that I hate.  At 15-20 bucks a pop those things add up and they are taking up space in the kitchen junk drawer.

This is sleek and stylish (not exactly).  I don't really care about the style factor, I do wear it all the time however.  It's water resistant so you can go in the shower with it.  I don't think you can submerge it in a tub however.

It keeps me accountable but not OCD.  I usually use the program it downloads to on my laptop.  It feeds into my phone as well but I really don't use that.  It does have a handy barcode reader for logging food.  Technology is amazing.

I only log my weight in the mornings and by afternoon I take a look to see where I stand. There are rules to weighing in.  Wake up, go to the restroom, strip off any undo weighty clothing and step on the scale.  Never weigh in after that.  There will be coffee and water ingested and could affect ones weight to the point that I would curl up in a fetal position on the floor and cry.

Typically I walk the dog after work and then I can get a good understanding if I need added time outside or if I need to tackle the dreaded treadmill.  I hate the treadmill.  I usually watch Netflix while I'm walking but I still hate it.  A lot.

This week has been beautiful outside so that has been available to me but I've really been getting home late so I have only had limited time for that.  So the treadmill and I usually at least have some time together.  It does force me to RUN.  Admittedly it's always been my mantra that I don't run.  My body doesn't like it.  I can't run for very long and it's a bit stop and go for me.  However, I may hate the treadmill more than running.  If I run I get my steps faster, also there is the whole panting, dry heaving gasping thing which is really great.

I just recently learned that most all calories burned leave the body from one's lungs.  I read this and then my doctor confirmed this.  That's crazy I didn't know this.  I figure running is a better way to work out my lungs than hyperventilating in a bag.  Well, actually I haven't tested the hyperventilating in a bag thing.  If it works in losing weight someone please let me know cause I can do that in the car while going to work and back. It's a bit too weird looking? Not exactly private like doing Kegels huh?  

Anyway,  get a Fitbit.  We can be friends in fitbit world and motivate each other on, or make fun of each other.  Guess which one I would do?


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Whats the purpose of it all.....

In this case I guess it's a question of  "Why?".  Why walk so long and so far.  What are you going to accomplish.  This is a bit out of your wheelhouse Alice.  At your best you only walked 7-8 miles at a time.  Your gonna have a heavy pack and possibly there will be elevation issues.  Water issues are possible.  What if you run across a problem.  Poor weather.  An animal.  A bad person. You've not done anything like this, what if you planned wrong.  What if you just can't hack.

Honestly,  I don't know.  I do feel strongly that if I don't take advantage of this opportunity now, that maybe I never will do this.  If I don't do this, maybe I will bah-humbug other opportunities that come around.  Maybe I will be skeptical about my age or physical capacities again and again and continue to stop myself from doing something else.  Maybe I will listen to others be negative and take it for truth.   Maybe I will doubt myself all the way to the grave.  Or maybe I can just tell all those who doubt to shut up (myself included).  I will not go silently into the night.  I am still young and I have to take more chances.  I have to get into the world more and experience more.  I have to see more.  I have to do more.  I can't just work and facilitate a good life for those around me.  Don't get me wrong, I have a very good life.  Yet, for entering that next stage of my life I still spend quite a bit of time making adventures and experiences happen for others to enjoy. 

Maybe this is my midlife crisis.  (I promise, the Jeep was not).  But damned if I'm gonna spend the next 35 years being old.  I'm too young for that shit. But what am I going to do?

I guess I will have 2 weeks and many miles of walking and plenty of time at my disposal to mull all those kinds of things over.

In the meantime I'll try to get myself in shape as I best can.  I'm looking forward to this trip.

We went to Ouachita National Park this weekend, so I got a feel as to what this place will be.  I'm more excited than ever.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Nothing but the facts Ma'am...

Ok, so this trip.  Ouachita Trail.  NOT pronounced Oh Shit a trail.  Its Wash it ah Trail. 

233 miles from Oklahoma to Arkansas.  Or actually the way we plan on hiking it is Arkansas to Oklahoma.  We will start in Pinnacle Mountain State Park which is close to Little Rock and end up in Talimena State Park in Oklahoma near Talihina. 

We will have one resupply drop in Story Arkansas and plan on doing a one night stay at Queen Wilhelmina Lodge.  I don't think it will be super amazing luxury but I suspect at that point a hot shower and mattress will be an amazing treat.

The goal is 14 to 16 miles a day.  Average temperature is about 79 degrees in June.  Average overnight temps are about 65.  About 11 hours of sunlight a day and an average of 14 hours of daylight.  This is do-able. 

More details to come.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

It's all so very real now....

Yes, it's been over a year since I've posted.  I'm not going to apologize.  It's my blog.  (can you just hear me stamping my foot like a petulant child?)

Seriously I've been silent in 2014.  A lot happened, maybe I'll backtrack at some point.  For now however there is a new adventure that's begun and I just felt it needed me to blog it. 

This was discussed in late October and beginning of November.  By Thanksgiving Lauren and I had some very broad outlines and we decided to firm up our commitment over Christmas break. 

However, I just got this and for some reason this makes it real for me.  We haven't told many people about it.

That is a response to a vacation request.  3 weeks off.  Approved. 

Am I being evasive?  Maybe but that is not intended.  I have just recently started getting comfortable with our trip and this approval makes it so  much more real. 

Lauren and I are hiking the Ouachita Trail.  233 miles from Arkansas into Oklahoma.  Just her and I with backpacks .

It won't be the most luxurious trip of my life.  That was probably Hawaii.  The most scenic was Alaska.  The most fun was probably our second time in St Lucia. But this one gives me a sense of excitement in a complete different way.   Excitement and nerves all wrapped up. 

I look forward to blogging over the next couple months about preparation for the trip and hopefully I'll be able to update during the trip itself. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Sugar and Spice and everything Nice....

Without fail, they all grow up.
 
So, I failed at going back and finding my prior blog posts with this girl in them.  However, I did run across a couple past posts ad I stopped short.  What was I thinking with some of my prior photos?  Oh some of the editing was crazy.  That may make a good future post.  Best to keep it simple.