Sunday, December 25, 2016

So where is Santa anyhow???

Today is Christmas for most Christians.  Me too, but we are tempering our celebrations till mid week.  We are having folks fly in and my granddaughter will be here and we will unwrap presents and do all the food gorging at that point.  I'm looking forward to it.

Today however, is quiet.  The weather was beautiful so it was a perfect day to take my pup to the park.  My old lady loves it so much as I don't make her go on a leash.  Yes, I'm that annoying woman who doesn't put her dog on the leash.  Gaaaaaaahhhh.  Look at that dogs face.  She loves to run and sniff and she is so passive and so submissive its not like she would ever approach a person anyways.
She has no prey drive so there is no worry she will be chasing any squirrels or rabbits and she is so mindful she will only approach another dog if I let her.  I promise she is better trained than your spouse.  It makes Tom nuts though and I understand.  But look at her face!!!

We got a call from Emma though.  Wishing us Merry Christmas.  I love that little bird. Her primary goal of the conversation however was to let us know that Santa had not been to her place today and she was wondering if he possibly had left presents at our house.   Of course she will have Christmas at our place this week. She is only 7 about to turn 8 and it hurts that Santa left her hanging today.

Dear 2017.  Hurry up.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Mourning

 I shouldn't write this post.

I shouldn't hit save and then publish.

I shouldn't.

I'm heartbroken at the moment.  Truly heartbroken.  Lubricated a little with some Irish Cream and some dark rum.  So much crying and sobbing tonight.

Hoping truly that this blog has been forgotten  Yet needing.  Needing so much release. I hope these words aren't read, yet need so much to connect to someone who may understand ...but I feel certain there can be no connection..No understanding....

So lonely.  So lonely.  Truly these feelings must be attributed just to me.  

I feel.   Misery loves company...but nobody can feel this...really.   Oh dear lord my heart hurts so.....

My daughter, part of me is so hardened.  I hate her.  Those are the words.  The real words.  I hate her.  I hate her.

Shocking.  A mother. Yes.  A mother.

She truly has done he things to earn that hate...but then in my mind I see the 3 year old little girl..My knees buckle.  I love her so...I love her so..I hate her so..Dear lord...I cry...Help me.

I love this soul that came from my being.  I love her so much. I wanted the world for her..I wanted \everything  for her......  THe whole world..She is so  precious  I don't know ..I just dont know how she got to be the present day....How...I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to her....I'm sorry to the world, I'm sorry to her daughter who of all....deserves a better mother.  I'm so sorry.  I cry, I sob.  It's not enough.  I'm so sorry. I just don't know...